Mulan
by Raklortin
Summary: Wang Yao was tossed aside when his younger twin siblings were born, and then sent off to war instead of his little brother. Now, when a group of foreigners are sent to train the Chinese army, what will Yao face?  RoChu, among others, oh, and it's cracky.
1. In Which Mei Mei burns old hags

"Big brother! Big brother! I fucked up big time!"

It wasn't like Yao ever got any time alone. Well, he did, but that was in his little, fucking emo corner where no one cared about him, so no. That didn't count. But as his little sister, Mei Mei, ran over to him, the Chinese boy couldn't help but sigh in annoyance.

"Don't use that language, Mei Mei," he scolded, seriously. Mei Mei just huffed, and continued on with her story.

"Well, you see, I was supposed to meet the match maker today and . . ."

The little bitch droned on for what seemed like days, until a little comment caught his attention.

"And, well, I kind of, accidentally, didn't mean to, but . . ."

"Out with it, already, aru," Yao grumbled.

"ISETHERONFIRE! I seriously didn't mean to, and I swear it was all the cricket's fault!"

Yao was stunned. Shocked. He couldn't speak. His adorable little sister had set some old hag on fire. _On fucking fire_!

"You . . . did _what_?"

"I set the old hag on fire! I didn't mean to, but I-"

"YOU DID _WHAT_, ARU!" Flames of fury rose up in Yao's eyes as he stood, cursing in Chinese about his family's name and such. Honestly, he knew that Mei Mei didn't want to get married, but to _set someone on fire_? That was a bit extreme, especially for her!

"I'm sorry! It wasn't my fault! But since you're so angry, I'll just leave!"

It was only later that day that the war bells had rung. Yao absent-mindedly sat in his small room, making little storks out of small white sheets of paper. His whole room was full of them.

But, as the boy was about to finish up his final stork for the hour, his door flew open and a rugged man stomped his way across the room.

Snatching Yao by his long locks of hair, the man dragged him outside, into a large crowd of people.

"The son of the Wang family is here to report for war!"

Yao sighed, another one of those stupid thin-

Wait, what?

War?

. . . War?

FUCKING _WAR_!

HIS OWN FATHER HAD JUST SIGNED HIM UP TO GET AND GET HIMSELF SHOT TO BITS BY FLAMING AROWS OF DEATH AND DEATHNESS.

WHAT THE FUCK?

Not chirping a word, Yao was dragged back into his 'house'.

"Get your crap and get out. You're going in place of Kiku, and you will also be filed under his name," came the harsh voice of his father. Yao merely nodded, and scurried off to his room.

Mentally making a list, the nineteen-year-old grabbed some bandages, clothes, and his favorite pair of shoes to take with him. He also took some white paper and cranes to remember his 'home'.

After a while, say an hour or so, Yao was strapped on a horse and sent away, without even getting to say goodbye to his mother. Nothing was too interesting for a while, until the boy felt something bounce on his shoulder.

Turning around, expecting to see a piece of armor that had come undone [since his was SHIT and totally fucking USELESS], Yao saw a lizard on his shoulder. Let's repeat that, shall we?

Yao saw a red fucking lizard on his shoulder.

And since he was oh-so-manly, Yao let out a blood-curdling screech, freaking the hell out. He flailed his arms, trying to shake the thing from his shoulders.

But, in all honesty, it did nothing. Absolutely nothing.

So, trying to stay still while his horse was still moving, Yao took in deep breaths.

And all of his hard work went to waist when something else happened.

"Hi! I'm Alfred, the hero of your pathetic life! I'm here to make sure that you don't die during the war!"

The lizard had talked. The talk had lizarded.

Wait, what?

Yao screamed against, snatching the lizard in his fingers and throwing it at the nearest boulder.

"Ow! What the hell was that for? I'm here to save you, and you _throw_ me? Gee, thanks!"

"What _are_ you, aru?" Yao asked, trying to keep a straight face without screaming again.

"I'm a dragon, sent from above to help you!"

"My ancestors sent a little lizard to help me, aru?"

"Hey! Dragon. _Dragon_, not lizard. I don't do that tongue thing." The small 'dragon' stuck out his tongue, moving it around like a lizard would. Yao couldn't help but chuckle.

"So, we got this all cleared up? I'm a _dragon_, sent here to help _you_ not _die_ from getting _shot_. Cool. Now, put on a straight face, you've got some bitches to slap!"

"Oka- what, aru? Bitches to slap?"

Alfred the FUCKING TALKING DRAGON [as dubbed by Yao himself] shook his head, and held up a hand.

"Shh, shh. I talk, you listen."

And as they progressed down the trail that they didn't really blaze, Yao grumbled underneath his breath:

"_Yeah, and how the hell is your dragon ass supposed to talk?_"


	2. In which we learn that Arthur is a horse

Psh. Crack-tastic crap? Yes. I liek eet vary meuch :D

Forgot the author's note last chapter, stupid was being a bitch and wouldn't let me fix it. Oh well. Co-author, BloodieMondei, says 'Hai dere gais :D'.

Last chapter wasn't so good, was it? I swear, I'll get better! I've never really written Hetalia stuff, except for that little angsty Prustria thing that I still need to finish . . . shut up.

Well, here's some moar delicious Yao and Ivan . . . hopefully! xDD

**- - - - - - W00TCHAPTERSTARTBITCHES - - - - - -**

Yao was sweating in places where he should never have had the chance to sweat.

Maybe it was because he was sprinting around in circles and _not_ riding on his prude-of-a-horse-Arthur for once. Why? God knows.

Gripping onto his 'sword' for dear life, Yao didn't know what to do. He was next in line to fight their commanding general – a tall, scary Russian who seemed to _always_ be happy. So far, Yao did _not_ like Russians. They were fucking scary.

"Next, da~" the Commander chimed, twirling his long wooden spear in his hands like a toy. Yao shakily walked up before the blond, and tried his best to stand tall and proud. Which fucking failed, by the way. And even though they had been training for a few days, Yao didn't like where this training was heading.

"You are Kiku, no?" Again with the fake name. Yao nodded his head, unhappy with the forced name, but still scared for his life.

And nuts. A few guys before him had taken it hard where the sun don't shine, and they were all slithering in pain. Yao did not want to join them. No sir, he did not.

"Kiku has very pretty hair, da~ Are we sure that Kiku isn't just a woman in disguise?" There were a few snickers, but Yao held his head up high.

"I am no girl, I can assure you," he growled, holding the wooden stick in a fighting position. The Chinese man lunged at Ivan, a scowl on his face. Ivan let out a dark chuckle, dodging fluidly to the side and crashing his stick down onto Yao's leg. It was a good hit, alright, but not enough to actually _harm_ the boy.

No. Ivan liked him far too much for that.

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

Days flew by like nobody's business. Yao had become friends with three other men, with whom he shared his tent with, quite quickly.

First, there was Francis Bonnefoy – the French bastard who was out to rape everything that was alive. But, other than that, the man was truly a gentleman and a smooth talker.

Then, there was Antonio Fernandez Carriedo – a Spanish man who loved tomatoes as much as he loved his 'little Italian lover' back home. He was kind, though somewhat slow at times.

And last, but not least, there was Gilbert Beilschmidt – a self-proclaimed 'Prussian' who loved to talk about how awesome he was, and about how much of a prude the Emperor's foreign-relations note-taker was [though Yao suspected something was going on between the two].

- - - - - - - ? - - - - - -

AN: Bitch, yes. BAD FRIENDS TRIO FOR THE FUCKING WIN!

OH, and BTW, sorry for such a short chapter. It'll be 5 in the fucking morning by the time I get this posted, and I'm DEAD. Soooooo . . . yeah~ 3 Thanks for giving us some of your time~

BTW: Hollandaise sauce is not GHETTO, it is HO-MADE. Bitch. 3


	3. In which we find that Roddy is a prude

ARTHUR'S FUCKING NOTE: Arguing with the co-author.

I'm on a horse.

GLEE! I woke up my co-author, since we had a sleepover and seriously, like, got high on air somehow and came up with the basis of this story at, like, TWO IN THE MORNING [yeah, took us like three hours to get the basic story line down, and IT'S NOT EVEN RIGHT !], giggling like a fat child in a candy store ['a big tummy is a happy tummy' – BloodieMondei].

Or giggling like Germany when he gets new ropes . . . So, alright, he can go get his _shtupid fuckin' rope_.

And he'll get his _shtupid rope_. HE'LL get it.

Cookies for anyone who gets the references?

OH! Disclaimer: If I owned APH, let's just say that it would probably be highly M-rated filled with RoChu and PRUSTRIA. And if I owned Mulan . . . let's face it. I wouldn't be doing this right now, it'd be in the original story. And if I owned anything else that I stole the lines from . . . –coughBoondockSaintswutcough- . . . there would ALSO be gayness. Damn it, I swear those men can melt popsicles. THEY'RE SO FLAAFY.

By the way . . . My line breaks keep disappearing. ): And sorry about the Chinese joke a little further in. Don't worry, we're not racist [only to me for being so GODDAMN WHITE . . . fuck you, co-author. I am NOT clumsy! No I am not! No. Fuck you.]

**- - - STORY START, WHAT? - - -**

Yao was sure that he was straight. He had always been straight, right?

Right?

_RIGHT!_

_. . . Right?_

. . . . . . . . . Right?

Probably not, though, since Yao couldn't help staring at the Captain when they trained. He was just so _slim_ and _pretty_! His hair was such a pretty color, too. And those eyes . . . those deep, pretty, pur-

Wait, WHAT?

No. Yao wasn't gay. He was straight . . . as a rainbow. Which was completely and totally straight, right? Or better yet, he was as straight as a DOUBLE RAINBOW. Bitch, what now!

And so, as Yao slipped his shoes off, along with other particles of clothing, the man stepped into the sun-warmed lake. He sunk to the surface, hair floating all around his face.

Everything was peaceful and calm, until . . .

SOMEONE CAME UP BEHIND HIM AND FUCKING GRABED HIS HIPS!

Yao ripped out of the grip and brought a fist to the offender's face. Then he heard insane cackling in the background, much rike the pandas when dey found deir prey. But, louder than all of that cackling was the sound of French swear words being thrown around. Yao looked at Francis and glared, muttering a few words of 'brotherly love', aka hateful, spiteful words of doom and doomness, and stalking off to a different place to bathe.

- - - 3 plx - - -

And while he was doing all of this, Alfred the FUCKING TALKING DRAGON was trying to trick their 'note-taker-dude', Roderich, into thinking that he had urgent news from the General. The FUCKING TALKING DRAGON was dressed as a general, a small cricket – who we forgot to introduce earlier, since we forgot that he existed – controlling the mouth. They caught Roderich right as he was exiting the baths, holding a small slipper in his hand.

"Insubordinate ruffians," the Austrian man grumbled [he was actually quite young, only about twenty-one or so!].

"You men owe me a new pair of slippers!" Voice cracking at the last note, Roderich turned to look ahead, "And I do not squeal like a little girl!"

Alfred the FUCKING TALKING DRAGON decided to strike. He forced the large panda he was standing on to move forwards, who ended up just eating the Austrian's slipper.

This caused the man to squeal like a little girl.

"Urgent news from the General!" The FUCKING TALKING DRAGON moved a fake arm forward, which held a small scroll. Roderich gawked at the panda, sad that he lost ANOTHER DAMN SLIPPER.

"What's the matter? You've never seen a black and white before?"

Roderich warily grabbed the scroll, and then peered at the 'soldier'.

"Who are you?"

"Excuse me? I '_think_' the question is. 'Who are you?' We're in a WAR man. There's no time for stupid questions. I should have your hat for that. Snatch it right off you head. But, I'm feeling gracious today. So, carry on before I report you." While saying this, Alfred the FUCKING TALKING DRAGON accidentally slapped Roderich on the nose, and started to ride away from the Austrian.

And as soon as he opened up the scroll to read the letter, said FUCKING TALKING DRAGON, panda, and was that a little cricket in the mouth, were headed towards a tree. Before Roderich turned around, the trio was up in the tree.

When Roderich realized that the soldier was gone, he sprinted towards the Captain's office. But, of course, _someone_ had to go and get in his way!

"Hey, Specks, whatcha got there?"

Roderich rubbed his temples in annoyance. He tried to shove his way past the shirt-less Prussian, but he was grabbed by the arm.

"Excuse me, Herr Beilschmidt, would you _please_ release me?" the Austrian asked, with as much of a polite tone that he could muster.

"Aww, Roddy~ Lemme see, please?" Roderich tore himself from Gilbert's grip, holding his towel, his fucking _towel_, close to his chest.

"No. This is for Captain Braginsky and his eyes only. Now, if you would excuse me . . ." Roderich stormed off towards Captain Braginsky's tent quickly, his glasses slightly askew. Bursting through the tent's opening, the Austrian said only one thing:

"Captain – Urgent news from the General!"

ARTHUR'S FUCKING NOTE 2: In which the author is left without a co-author to edit the story.

FML, guys. BloodieMondei isn't here right now, and so I had to fling this all myself! And thanks to that, there is a small, tiny section of **Prustria** this chapter!

Alskdjfa;sldkfjas;lkdfj –dies –

THEY'RE ALL SO PURDY!

OMFG. The reviews. The favorites. The alerts.

I LOVE YOU ALL!

As stated above, I woke up said co-author because I was overly excited. When you guys review, I feel like crying jellybeans. When you guys favorite and/or alert, I feel like vomiting skittles. So, Imma reply here. 'Cause some of my favorite authors do that. It makes me feel special to see mah name! 3 3

**RE-FUCKING-PLIES:**

Guest : Luffles lots! Thanks for replying! 3

Rikkai's Girl : I shall, or the co-author will kill me! xDD Thanks for the rating, too! 5 stars is AMAZING!

Evalynn Nesbitt : Profanity is one of my best friends, I must say~ And thank ya~


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